Going blind? Eat a cheeseburger.

Well y’all. I can’t. I just can’t even with all this. This baby, this tiny, doesn’t even weigh ONE pound baby is causing my body to act a fool. A FOOL y’all! But I still love it.

So on Tuesday afternoon I went in for my weekly check-up with my Ob/Gyn. I have to be seen every week in some form because I have a high risk pregnancy. I have Type 2 diabetes, and during the pregnancy I have acquired high blood pressure issues, so they of course are watching me closely for Toxemia/Pre-Eclampsia. Every week I pee in a cup, get my blood taken, get examined, get an ultrasound done, etc. I am used to it at this point. On Monday night, I made the mistake of telling my hubby he could sit this one out and take care of some things at work because it was just a “routine visit”.

Big fat mouth.

Well, on Tuesday when I left my office I stopped by the house to let my three pups out first. On the drive home, I began to get odd spots in my vision. No matter how much I blinked, I had these complete blockages in my eyes, first in the form of blurs and then in the form of white flashes. I kept describing it as that moment after someone takes your picture with the flash on, and you look away blinking but you can’t quite see for a couple minutes until the flash disappears from your vision. Upon later googling, I found these images that look exactly like what I saw:

Weird, right? I was freaked out, and called my hubby telling him he may have to drive me after all. But then after about an hour, everything calmed down and went back to quasi-normal. I went to the doctor, was taken straight in, and decided to tell her what happened. Well, mind you, I also haven’t had ANY taste or smell in three months, I have random numbness in my hands and feet all day every day, and now I am blind. So she sends me straight to the Pregnancy Triage, which is a little wing of the main birthing unit at UK that is basically a special emergency room only for pregnant women.

I arrive there, and am examined and told that Neurology will need to have an MRI done and will need to see me. As I’m sitting there, it happens again. I begin blinking profusely, but can’t see anything except those white flashes. Then my leg goes numb. Not just my foot, my entire leg. Good grief. So I agree to wait.

Let me paint you a picture. This “room”, and I use that word loosely as I am basically partitioned off behind a curtain in a corner of one much larger room, is about the size of a broom closet. The bed is hard as a rock, and there is one blinking fluorescent light above my head. I am pregnant. And blind. And numb. And uncomfortable. This does not a happy momma make.  But you know what else does not a happy momma make? A FIVE HOUR WAIT FOR AN MRI SCAN. Oh good Lord in heaven grant me patience y’all, I was ready to take names and call the President!

Mild comic relief: At one point, when I realize I’m going to basically go ahead and sign a lease and move into this broom closet and have them get my MRI done in the Spring when it’s nice and the lilies are in bloom, I realize my sugar is dropping. In all the crazy, I forgot to eat anything since that morning before I went blind. So I ask Andrew to go get me a snack, secretly hoping he miraculously finds a cheeseburger in the hall.

And guess what? HE DID!!! Well, not in the hall. But he did find the cafeteria. So he comes back with a huge cheeseburger and fries, and my heart be still I want to marry this man all over again. So I devour this burger, probably in about 2 bites, and as I’m eating he starts laughing hysterically. Like, crying. I look at him, bewildered that anything about this day is funny, and he says, “I’m sorry baby. But I’m sitting in a closet with my pregnant wife, watching her eat a cheeseburger like it’s the end of the world, waiting five hours for an MRI scan all because she went blind today…and NONE of this even feels odd to me!” and he busts out laughing even harder. Then I start laughing, because he had a point, and we sat there and laughed until we cried. And no, I never shared that huge cheeseburger. The baby needed it.

Anyway, after hours and hours I finally went in for my MRI. Have you ever had one done? Allow me:

I lay down on a small white table that is about as wide as a toothpick, and is NOT plus size friendly. They offered me headphones and to pick the Pandora station I would like to listen to. “Well, how nice!!” I thought, and chose a station. She then puts the headphones on me and turns the music on, and only then does she begin to tell me about how the scan will work. I couldn’t hear, but I managed to take away small words from lip reading such as “loud”, and “vibrate” and “shaking” are normal. Okay, fine. How bad can it be?

So they begin the scan and shove me in this tube. Over my head is large white cage, which I am guessing protected me from something. And then, for 20 minutes the LOUDEST sounds I have ever heard in my life began. It sounded like the aliens had landed. I was shaking, vibrating, and it was just SO LOUD. That Pandora station didn’t stand a chance. I couldn’t even hear it in the background during most of it. *shudders* Never. Again.

Anyway, after my scans I get sent back to the broom closet to await my fate. Again, I say to my hubby, “Can’t we just go home? They’re just going to come up here, say everything is fine and send me home.”

Big. Fat. Mouth.

I then find out things were “inconclusive” and am going to be admitted to the hospital. I’m sorry. What? But…fine. Okay, fine. But I want a ROOM with a BED. And maybe another cheeseburger.

Andrew goes home to let the dogs out and pick up everything on my list of things I must have (phone charger, iPad charger, purple snowman pants, the usual) and I am whisked into admitting. My room had no windows, but it did have a more comfortable bed, my own shower and bathroom, and a flat screen TV so I was fine. Thanks to the baby, they didn’t want to put any meds in me without doctor approval, so I was spared the IV. I was NOT spared the millions of tubes of blood they had to take though. Geez.

I spent the night in a sleepless funk, waking every hour to be poked and prodded and ultrasounded and turned and test monkey’d. I finally fell asleep, then at 4am I am awoken by a tiny man in a white coat who tells me he’s from Neurology and is a Resident and has my MRI results. At 4AM? FOUR? Is that even legal? Can’t I call pregnant?

Anyway, he examines me (again) and says his Attending will be in later in the day to talk to me and go over results and treatment plans, etc. (Sidebar: Thank you Grey's Anatomy for my stellar knowledge level of what doctors are called and what those titles mean. Thank you Shonda Rhimes.) I never really went back to sleep because the revolving door of people continued. Finally, around 9am the Neuro Attending came in, and basically here is the (lack of) conclusion I was given:

Don’t be worried, your brain looks great, all clear. We believe you may be experiencing Migraine Auras, basically migraine headaches WITHOUT the headache part. Pregnancy sometimes jumpstarts these, and you’ll have them for life now. But you’ll need to see an Ophthalmologist for the full retinal exam, because it is not my specialty.

There is a small cyst on your sinus cavities. That may be causing the loss of smell and taste. But you’ll have to see an ENT for that, it is not my specialty.

Your diabetes may just be causing the vision problems. Or it could just be a pregnancy side effect. Honestly? No idea why you’re numb, blind, and can’t taste/smell. But your brain? Looks GREAT!

So there you have it. Per usual, I am Micha, Medical Marvel Woman of the South (I need a cape…) here to baffle doctors everywhere. I’m glad my brain was fine, and the baby was just fine during all of this. During every ultrasound, Baby G was bouncing and waving and having the time of its life. Noooooo idea that Momma was up here wandering aimlessly, walking into walls eating cheeseburgers and limping.

Pay no mind to momma Baby G. Just bounce on little ninja. Bounce on.